The Night Before My Toastmasters Speech

By Nam Phan

'Twas the night before my Toastmasters speech, and deep inside my brain
Not a thought was stirring. With less than a day left, I'm going insane.

I'm sitting at my desk with paper and pen,
In hopes that my speech would be finished by ten.

Although I had weeks to prepare for this important presentation,
Once again, I became another victim of procrastination.

I feel like a politician about to be eaten by a polygraph test for lunch
Not getting this done will be a harder blow than a Todd Bertuzzi sucker punch.

When out of nowhere, the light bulb inside my head began to glow
My mind was telling me -- "hey stupid, it's time to watch your favourite reality tv show"

I rushed to the living room and turned on the TV
Who will the Bachelor eliminate next - Tanya, Cynthia, or Mary?

Normally, I'm able to enjoy this trashy show,
But tonight was a different story, ya know?

The only thing that can save me now is some divine intervention,
Or maybe a little concentration, imagination, and determination

I wanted to call my fellow Toastmasters to ask for a tip or two,
I needed their help desperately because I haven't got a clue.

"Hey, Ken! Hey, Tao! Hey, Farhard and Lonnie! 
Please, Joey! Please, Malcolm! Please, Bryan and Amy!

I have to do a speech tomorrow and I'm really stuck,
Give me a hand and I'll give two bucks.

Lonnie gave me an evil look & called me a cheapskate,
Tao laughed when I offered him a ticket to see Alexander The Great

Amy talked too fast for me to understand,
Farhard dismissed me with the wave of his hand,

Malcolm pretended to have amnesia -- totally unnecessary,
And I swear Bryan used words I've never seen in the dictionary

Joey was way too hyperactive from drinking too much Coke, 
And Ken said he'd help if I would tell him a really funny Math joke

What is up with these Toastmasters? Have they forgotten 'tis the season to give? 
Oh well, The Apprentice is about to come up in 5 minutes -- these shows are so addictive

When all of a sudden, I heard a loud noise outside
It sounded so scary that I wanted to run & hide

But I cautiously walked to the door and opened it with dread
And found myself looking at a really big man dressed in red

He wore a red suit, red pants, a red hat, and had a white beard
He was accompanied by a group of big elves. The whole scene was really weird.

I invited him and his elves in and offered them coffee
He was carrying a big bag and dropped it next to my Christmas tree

I told him of my dilemma and asked for his advice
He took his bag, turned it upside down, and shook once or twice

The bag's content fell out and I was surprised to have seen
That each and every one of them was a Toastmaster magazine 

"I was a member for 20 years," he explained to me, "Speech writing is my specialty."
"My elves and I will help you. Boy, are you lucky!"

"What do you say we create a poem about this particular night?"
"People will think it's phony, but at least you and I know it's true, right?" 

So for the next 2 hours, we worked like there was no tomorrow,
Once it was complete, I was overcome with relief from head to toe.

Before they left, the elves took off what turned out to be their disguise,
While the man in red pulled down his beard to reveal, to my surprise,

The elves were the club members I had asked for help -- what the hell?
And good old Santa Claus was none other than Mr. Ken Bell.

They all wished me good luck, and as they prepared to take flight,
Shouted out "HAPPY CHRISTMAS YOU SLACKER. SEE YOU AT THE BANQUET TOMORROW NIGHT!" 


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